The Biggest Closet Sin for most Christians (Post #19)

Sin. What a yucky three letter word. A three letter word we’re all too familiar with. Not only are we familiar with it, but most of us are enslaved by it because we keep it locked away in the closet of our private lives. I want to see if we can crack open the closet door to shine some light in. Why? Because there’s a five letter word that can bring healing once we do: grace. 

     In the technological world that we find ourselves in, we have instant access to global news and events in the palm of our hands. We are exposed to the evil in the world and all the atrocities committed like never before. With things like terrorism and mass shootings to compare ourselves to, its easy to overlook the seriousness of sin in our own lives.

We may look at how screwed up the world is as a whole, and how bad some people are, and let that lead to a feeling of false comfort because “at least we’re not as bad as them”. However, this is a fatally flawed way of thinking. 2 Corinthians 10:12 says that “when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” A few chapters later Paul poses the challenge, “Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourself. Or do you not realize this is about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?”

To tie these verses together, the theme is that when we compare ourselves with each other we fail miserably to see the whole point of the gospel. We are just as much in desperate need of a savior as those “sinners”. The only comparison we can make is our own lives compared to what Gods law says. When we do that, we are convicted of sin and able to repent and be forgiven. We are instructed to examine ourselves, not others, to see whether we are truly in the faith. With that being said, I want to challenge you to examine yourself. What false comfort do you have over the sins in your life? If you’re anything like the rest of us, than I can almost guarantee you have struggled with the closet sin of sexual immorality. However, our hidden sins are not really hidden at all. Jesus says in Mark 4:22, “For nothing is hidden, except to be revealed; nor has anything been secret, but that it would come to light.”

Nothing in the closet of our private life is hidden from God.

How has the biggest closet sin for most believers become sexual immorality? Well its easy for it to get pushed to the back of our minds when, like I said, we live in a world of seemingly “worse” sins than sexual ones, so we can slip into the mindset that God understands, and that it’s probably not that big of a deal. Take that and combine it with the fact that we live in a culture and society that pushes sex like a commodity, and we end up with a recipe for disaster. Lets take a look at these two problems.

First off, sin is sin, and God views it equally. Disobedience to His law and will for our lives is the same no matter what appearance its taking on. You aren’t fooling anybody but yourself if you think that since sex before marriage is socially accepted, that  it means God has probably shifted His views about it too. I mean come on, its just sex right? Not so fast. Lets take a look at what scripture has to say about it. Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” That means the way He feels about sin is the way He will always feel about it.

When it comes to sexual sin, no verse is more convicting and clear than 1 Corinthians 6:18-19, “Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.  Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?” That’s some pretty powerful stuff. When we sin sexually we are sinning against our own body according to the apostle Paul, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Now I’m not trying to elevate this sin to a position of more severe wickedness, but since God created sexuality He knows how powerful it is and uses His holy scripture to teach us and keep us safe from its negative use.

Sex has been distorted so far from Gods original design and intention for it. Society perverts it, the church has in the past shunned and shamed it, but God celebrates it in the proper context of marriage. As a church, if we continue to shame sex and act like its taboo, then the devil will continue to use it to lure many people into sexual immorality through ignorance and curiosity. We need to recapture the true essence of sexuality that God wants us to have. We must embrace and educate our children and members on where it fits in Gods plan for our lives. It’s not something to be ignored and looked down upon. It’s something that should be talked about and discussed. If these issues don’t get resolved early on, then people are more susceptible to falling into sins like pornography and adultery, which will show back up once people do actually get married and cause destruction from the inside out.

 

So why should we wait till marriage? Lots of reasons.

 

•  God tells us to. As children of God and followers of Jesus Christ, we are called to be obedient to Him. He knows what’s best for us, and if “best” means abstinence, then we ought to trust that He has a good reason for it. By abstaining from sexual sins, we honor God through purity with our body. 1 Peter 2:5 says that we are “being built up a spiritual house, a holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices to God through Jesus Christ”. Purity definitely falls into this category of “spiritual sacrifices” that we have the privilege of offering up to the Lord. We have nothing in and of ourselves to offer God, so the Holy Spirit empowers us to live Godly lives and offer spiritual sacrifices back up to God. This is a beautiful thing.

 

•  Because having pre-marital sex can blind us from the reality of the true health of our relationship. I have seen this true of my relationships in the past and in the relationships of so many people in my life. What do I mean by saying it can blind us? I mean that sex has a powerful enough spiritual and physical impact that it can take our eyes off of serious negative issues a relationship may have. Couples who are sleeping together outside of wedlock will often overlook things about their partner that deep down really bothers them. The sexual connection may be able to keep them together long enough to get married, but the deep down resentment will fester and grow until serious problems arise within the marriage. These are problems that should have been dealt with in the dating stage of the relationship. And in some cases, these problems may never get resolved because the couple is simply not compatible with each other, but the sexual connection tells them otherwise. It tells them to ignore their emotions and better judgement. People get by with the lie, “Well, we always work it out”, when they are confronted by their friends that they may be in a toxic and ungodly relationship. I’ve got news for you, continuing to have the same arguments and same issues arise and simply bulldozing through them is not “working it out”. You’re lying to yourself if you believe otherwise. Working something out in a healthy relationship means growing and resolving an issue. Sure, this may not happen overnight, but there should be real tangible evidence that both people are working to keep the problem from happening again.

 

•  Being involved sexually before marriage causes people to neglect the friendship building of their relationship and focus more on the sexual urges and desires that satisfy the flesh. All of the time spent before marriage should be spent building a solid foundation of friendship, team building, and godliness. You can either build a solid foundation now, and enjoy sex later, or enjoy sex now, and have to build a foundation once you get married. If you wait till you’re married to build on your friendship foundation, you may get discouraged and think that divorce is the solution. What a deceptive way the enemy infiltrates and destroys marriages! He just gets them to have sex and neglect the reality of their relationship before they get married, so that when they do tie the knot they are overwhelmed by so many things they never worked on and ignored about their partner. So what does building a Godly friendship foundation look like? Simple, treat your partner like a brother or sister in Christ. Get to know each other, like really get to know each other. Laugh together, cry together, dream together. Do all of those things without being clouded by the fog of sexual connection. See if you guys make a good team in all areas of life. Do you agree on important issues such as spirituality, finances, where you see yourselves in the future, how to raise children or if you even want to have children? Those just a few topics that are important to talk about and learn where the other person stands.

 

• By waiting till marriage, you will not fall into the trap of living in sin. When we deliberately live in sin, it will undoubtedly harden our heart and weaken our spirituality. I’m not talking about sinning occasionally, because we all will do that until the day of completion in Christ Jesus. I’m talking about knowing something is wrong but continuing to do it anyways, knowing that God will forgive you. That’s like using Gods grace as a cheap get out of jail free card whenever you feel like it. You use Gods grace to justify your disobedience. You may even find yourself saying things like, “Well nobodies perfect”, or “Only God can judge me”. Yes nobodies perfect, but how does that make it better? Yes, in the end only God will judge you, but how is that comforting if you are deliberately living in sin? Living in sin will make our hearts numb to it, which is perhaps one of the most dangerous places to be spiritually. It’s good to feel convicted when you sin. It’s good to feel bad and repent so that God can restore you and clean your conscience. However, its not good to get so used to sinning that you no longer think it’s a big deal. Sure, maybe its just in one area that you’re doing this in, but becoming numb to sin in one area can easily lead to numbness in other areas. That is why King David in Psalm 139:23-24  says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.” This should be a daily prayer in every believers life. Sometimes we honestly overlook sin, that’s why we should be asking the Holy Spirit to convict us and search our heart.

 

• Having sex before marriage can lead to unplanned pregnancy. This may not be a fear of yours, especially if you or your partner is on birth control and practice safe sex. However, neither of those offer a 100% guarantee of not getting pregnant. I want you to imagine what it would look like for your relationship if an unplanned pregnancy happened. Would you guys want an abortion? Would you want to keep the baby? Would you argue about what to do? Its easy to neglect this kind of conversation because you think, “It would never happen to us”. Having a baby together is a lifelong connection that will always be there. Whether you both want to end up getting married or not, you will have a parent to parent relationship forever. How do you think this will affect your family, and future relationship if this one doesn’t work out? Even by practicing safe sex, you are gambling with the small chance of getting pregnant, and in my opinion if you are enough of an adult to have sex, then you are enough of an adult to keep and parent the child if it were to happen.

 

• You may contract or pass on a STD. This one doesn’t need a drawn out explanation. We all know it’s a reality that having sex before marriage can lead to getting a sexually transmitted disease. A recent American sexual health study concluded that 1 in 4 Americans will get a STD in their lifetime. These statistics are scary, and shows the devils agenda at work which is to steal, kill, and destroy us. God wants us to live a healthy abundant life, and the only way to protect yourself is by practicing abstinence.

 

• You will carry all the sexual baggage of your past into your marriage someday. The choices you make now in the present will eventually become your past, which will show up again in your future. Your sexual history is a part of you. It doesn’t define you, but it will have to be defined when your partner is curious about it. It’s easy to make decisions in the moment without thinking about the consequences, so its always good to be reminded of it. Proverbs 14:15 says, “The simple believes every word, but the prudent considers well his steps.” In other words, you are being simple minded and foolish by believing every word that people or society tells you. For example, we are told sex is just recreational, and fun. If its good for you, and good for them, then do it. But we know the enemy has twisted our cultures view of sexuality, and his intention is to destroy us. The rest of the verse says that “the prudent considers well his steps”. What does being prudent mean? The definition of prudent is acting with or showing care and thought for the future. So being prudent about your steps means paying close attention to the way you are living and how its going to affect your future. Ask yourself if the sexual choices you are making now are worth the impact they are going to have on your future.

 

• You may hurt your witness and become a stumbling block to other believers. This reason is an easy one to overlook since its so easy to become self centered and ignore the fact our choices will affect others. As a believer, being sexually active before marriage can damage the witness you have on nonbelievers. This is especially important in todays day and age, seeing as that people are watching carefully for opportunities to criticize and attack the faith. In Mathew 5:13 Jesus says, “You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under peoples feet.” When we choose to live in sin and conform to the patterns of the world, we lose our ability to season other peoples lives with godliness. He goes on to say in verse 16, “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” The way to shine this light of Christ is to bring your sins out of the darkness and repent of them. Not only are you in danger of damaging your witness, but you may easily become a stumbling block to other believers. Romans 14:13 tells us, “Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brothers way.” If we are living in sexual sin, we may be unknowingly influencing weaker brothers or sisters to follow our sinful example.

 

So now that we’ve talked about some solid reasons for waiting till marriage, lets discuss some lies that the enemy will tell you, and some strategies for having self-control and remaining pure.

 

Here is a list of lies the devil will try and deceive you with.

 

• “Giving up sex will leave me empty inside and won’t be as good as what God has in store.” This is a lie and goes against what the Bible clearly says and is experienced by spirit filled believers. Psalm 16:11 says “You will show me the path of life; in your presence is fullness of joy, at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Notice fullness of joy does not come from false sexual pursuits, but from the presence of Almighty God. At His right hand are pleasures forevermore! In other words, the pleasure you experience from sexual sin doesn’t even begin to compare with the joy and pleasure experienced from Gods presence in your life. If you haven’t experienced this kind of joy do not be discouraged. This is a very tangible and available joy to all believers that will be in your heart always. Choosing to live Godly and drawing near to Gods presence will allow you to begin experiencing it.

 

• “Well we already had sex, so it won’t hurt continuing to do it”. This could not be farther from the truth. It can and will hurt your relationship and spiritual life. Romans 6:16 says, “Do you not know that when you present yourselves to someone as slaves for obedience, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin resulting in death, or of obedience resulting in righteousness.” By continuing to sin willfully, you are allowing yourself to be a slave to it. Our Lord Jesus bought us out of slavery with His precious blood, so why would we go back to it? Imagine if you went to jail to bail a close friend out by paying their bond money so they could be free, but instead of leaving with you they say, “I think I’m going to hang out here for a little while longer, I kind of like it here”. That would be a slap in your face after paying their way out, and yet that’s what we are doing when we choose to believe this lie. Just because you have crossed the line doesn’t mean you have to stay on that side of it. God in His mercy and grace can and will pull you back across it out of sin and into purity.

 

• “My partner must not love me or be attracted to me anymore if they want to quit having sex”. I can totally understand why you would feel this way because we feel so much acceptance and love through sexuality. But just because you quit having sex does not mean your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore and doesn’t love you. In fact, it means the exact opposite. Putting God first and having self-control shows that they truly love you and want your relationship to be blessed and to work. Lust is selfish and takes, Love is selfless and gives. Borrowing just a few of the characteristics of love from 1 Corinthians 13, we know that love “suffers long, is kind, does not behave rudely, is not self-seeking, bears all things, endures all things.” Being long suffering through temptation for the sake of a Godly relationship is love. Being kind and respecting the decision for purity is love. Not being rude about the decision to be abstinent is love. Choosing to not be self-seeking in sinful pleasure is love. Bearing the battle of waiting is love. Enduring it all for God and your partner is love.  So we know that the Word shows us that waiting for marriage and honoring God and your partner is the most loving thing you could possibly do. If your partner isn’t willing to do this, then their definition of love does not line up with the Biblical one that God wants for us.

 

• “I just don’t think we are strong enough to do it”. This lie has some truth to it. We do not have the strength ourselves to fight the temptations of the devil. It is only through the power and protection of the Holy Spirit that we are able to be victorious. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” That means that when we are faced with something we think is impossible and we are too weak to handle, it gives God an opportunity to perfect His strength in us. Not only does God love to replace our weakness with His strength, but He uses it as a testimony to those around us. Placing this temptation and struggle in Gods hands allows Him to show His love and power in your life, which will build trust.

 

• “Just because I gave into it this one time, doesn’t mean that I will give in again once I’m in the same situation”. This is perhaps one of the sneakiest lies of them all and one that goes by often undetected. If you have fallen into temptation by putting yourself into a certain situation, then you will most likely fall again the next time. Here’s an example of what I’m saying. Lets say you let your partner stay the night at your house, and one thing leads to another and you hook up. You guys feel bad and talk about it, but don’t set the proper boundaries to avoid it from happening again. The next time they want to stay the night, you listen to the lie that says, “you guys will be able to be stronger this time, and it won’t happen again.” But what happens? They come over, one thing leads to another, and afterwards you find yourself guilty and powerless yet again. The devil loves it when we believe this one. You want to know why this is one of the easiest lies for us to believe? Pride. Our pride makes us believe it. We believe we will be stronger next time, and can put ourselves back in the line of fire without getting shot. When we do this we put on pride, instead of Jesus.  Romans 13:14 says, “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.” Making no provision for the flesh means not providing opportunities for us to be tempted. Praying and setting healthy boundaries and being committed to keeping them is the best way to avoid falling into this deception.

• “I won’t be able to survive being alone if this leads to a breakup” Possibly the most crippling lie out of them all, this deception from the enemy has kept many Christians in unhealthy sinful relationships. The fear of being alone causes us to cling to whatever companionship we have, even when its detrimental to our health. The truth is, we are never alone. While giving the Great Commission in Matthew 28:20 Jesus says, “I am with you always, even until the end of the age.”  We have the promise of Gods presence forever being with us. By allowing this lie from Satan to take root in our life, we are choosing to deny Gods trustworthy promise. We should never allow the fact that we are comfortable and complacent in a relationship to dictate whether we believe its Gods will for us or not to stay with the person. Our relationships must meet the standards and requirements that God has so graciously laid out for us in His word. If you are really struggling with the fear of being alone, just know you are surrounded by a family of believers who want to comfort you and encourage you through whatever happens. Not only do you have brothers and sisters in Christ to be there for you, but you have our Lord Jesus who will carry you and give you peace as you choose to honor Him with your life and relationship.

 

These are just a few of the lies commonly used by the enemy to attack us. Once they take root, it is hard to quit believing them. If you have fallen victim to believing one or more of these, there’s hope. Many Christians have believed these lies and have chosen to live in sin, but their story doesn’t have to be your story. If you feel guilty and want to break free from these deceptions, then that is the Holy Spirit convicting your heart and urging you to repent and turn away from your sin.

 

Now that you know that you are engaged in spiritual warfare, we can start making strategies for winning these battles. Ephesians 6:12 says, “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places“.  The fight we are in may feel purely physical and of the flesh, but the Bible says otherwise. The enemy roams around like a roaring lion, seeking people to devour. He will attack us spiritually, so that he can defeat us physically. But God doesn’t leave us defenseless. In fact 2 Corinthians 10:4 says, “the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds.” So I plead with you, take up your weapons and begin to employ these strategies.

 

Here are some strategies you can use.

• Make it clear with your partner that you want to honor God with your relationship- This may go without saying, but its an important place to start. If you try to make this decision alone, your partner is likely to be confused and frustrated when the moment arises and you don’t want to be sexual. Hopefully you both are believers and agree that you want to choose purity, but if not, this can be a testimony in itself to your partner of where you stand in your faith and the change of heart God is doing in you. If you have this conversation and your partner does not want to quit, than this could easily turn into an “unequally yoked” situation. If you are the only one doing the work of changing, then the burden can become heavy. Having this conversation can reveal a lot about the true health and depth of your relationship with each other. If you cut sex out of the equation, you get to see what you’re left with. You may realize sex was the main thing holding you guys together. If that’s the case, praise God you are figuring this out now and not later while married.

 

• Get accountability with other people– This one is huge. Not only do you need to have the conversation with your partner, but you need to have accountability with other believers in your life. This may be people from your church, work, or family. James 5:16 says, “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man a can accomplish much.” There is power in prayer and accountability. Accountability is like dividing up the burden between everybody, so that it becomes a team effort carrying it and praying through it. You will not only have to deal with guilt when you slip up, but also answering to your friends and loved ones. This is the same strategy they use at rehab centers for people dealing with addiction. “Woah, woah, woah. I’m not an addict!”, you may say. Well you’re doing something that is bad for you, feels good, and is really hard to quit. Call it what you want. Either way, accountability is going to be a huge part of your success in abstinence.

 

• Read the Bible together often–  This is perhaps the greatest discipline a believer in Jesus Christ can develop. And if its that important for the individual, you better believe its important for couples. If you weren’t already reading it before, this struggle may be God drawing you back into His word. And notice how I said “read it often”. In any other area of your life, you don’t expect to get good at something after seeing it once and never going back to it. Learning and applying something takes repetition and exposure. The same is true for your devotional time in the Bible. It’s easy to crack it open occasionally and give yourself a pat on the back. But it’s not about checking off another thing on your “Christian Checklist”, its about a real relationship with Jesus. By staying in the Word, the Word will stay in you. It will be so much easier to come out victorious in this battle if you are equipped with your sword and shield. Ephesians 6:16-17 says, “above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God“. So our shield is faith. How do we get more faith? Glad you asked. Romans 10:17 gives us a very clear answer, “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.” The stronger our devotional life in the Word is, the stronger our faith will be which in turn will strengthen our shield and defenses. And our sword is the Word itself. Memorizing scripture and being able to look up and pray certain passages is the best way to sharpen and swing your sword in this spiritual war we are in.

 

• Set boundaries and be intentional on keeping them- I have already touched on the importance of setting boundaries, so I will just add a few more things about it. Boundaries look different for everybody. Are there some boundaries worth keeping for everyone? Absolutely, but there are also boundaries that are going to change from couple to couple. For example, a pretty obvious boundary that applies to everyone is to not take showers together. Maybe this goes without saying, but if this isn’t “making a provision for the flesh” then I don’t know what it. To set proper boundaries that apply specifically to your relationship, the key is going to be  being honest with yourself. You need to know and be aware of times and situations that you give in to sexual temptation. This looks different for everybody. One couple may be able to make out without it leading to anything else, whereas you may not be able to have the same self control. Another boundary that applies to everyone is not staying the night with each other in the same bed. If staying the night and hooking up has been an issue for you, then I urge you to set this boundary. This can be a very hard one to set especially if you have been staying together or even live together. If your partner has a hard time with this one, refer to what I said earlier about what true Biblical love looks like and if they refuse to set this boundary with you then it may be time to evaluate where your relationship is going.

 

• Avoid any form of foreplay- Just when you thought we were almost done with this whole thing and managed to avoid talking about it, I had to throw it in at the end. This is something worth talking about. Many Christians ask the question, “How far is too far?”, but do we really need to ask that? In Matthew 5:28 Jesus says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Wow, how convicting is that? He is saying that just looking at a woman with lust is the same as adultery. What do you think His thought on foreplay would be? And while we are on the topic, what do you think His thought on porn would be? Well if looking at someone with lust, which doesn’t even involve physical touch, is adultery in our heart, then how much more would four play with someone or looking at porn be the same as fornication in our heart?  I mean, even though we aren’t crossing the line of actual sex doesn’t mean the thought is not entering our mind at all. Going back to the passages we already talked about, our body is a temple and we are instructed not to provide ourselves with opportunities to sin. I understand this may cause defensive feelings and thoughts to arise, but its going to be hard for you to make the argument that four play is sexually honoring the Holy Spirit, and that it is in no way providing an opportunity for you to go all the way. Be honest with yourself, after you are done messing around do you feel more pure and close to God, or dirty and shameful about it? If your answer is that you don’t feel bad, then maybe this is an area where spiritual numbness has occurred.

 

So the closet door has been swung open so hard its come off the hinges! The marvelous light from Jesus is shining in. We have laid out reasons to wait till marriage, lies that the enemy will try to use, and strategies for fighting against them. Where does it leave us now? The answer to that question is entirely up to you. The path to purity may not be easy, but I can assure you it will be worth it. If you begin to gain victory in this area of your life, praise God! But I want to warn you not to become prideful about it and then begin to judge others for still struggling with this sin. We all fall short of the glory of God, and should always look for opportunities to build each other up and restore one another.

Before we wrap up I want to talk about that five letter word I mentioned earlier, grace. If you are a Christian who is struggling with sexual immorality, your only hope is to confess your sins and cling to Jesus Christ and His grace in your life. He is rich in mercy and forgiveness, and will cleanse you of all unrighteousness. If you are a non christian reading this, your only hope is grace as well. Although you have broken Gods holy law and stand guilty before Him waiting the final judgement and hell, He has provided a way of escape from the wrath to come. Turn from your sins and place your faith in Jesus Christ alone for salvation, the son of God who lived a perfect life and died on the cross for sinners. If you do this God will wipe away every sin you have ever committed and grant you eternal life and a right standing before Him because of Jesus. I urge you to do this before its too late. Gods grace is free and unmerited, turn to Him in faith and embrace it.

If this article has helped you in any way, praise God. I am only able to humbly offer this counsel because I have fallen short in this area in the past. Through prayer, repentance, and applying what’s written above, God led me to victory in this area and I know He can do the same for you. Also please share this with others! This topic is not talked about enough in Christian circles, and we need to change that. There are many people who are hopelessly living in sinful relationships unaware of the danger and way of escape. Share this post with them, talk to them about it, and most importantly point them to Jesus. I pray God leads you into victory for His glory and your good.

I hope this has shined some light!